The stars seemed to twinkle to me as I rose the main rebel ship. Everything happened in a daze. When we boarded, Eva took me to the command station, where Kalifa and Barriss were waiting for us. They didn't look very happy, but I guessed it was because of the bloodbath below. Well, we couldn't help everybody.
The ship jumped to hyperspace. They assigned me into a quarter, where I peacefully slept for the rest of the day. Everything seemed okay now. Our fight was far from over, but I achieved my first state of freedom.
Still, something nagged me. I couldn't place my finger on it. I couldn't go back to sleep once I woke up, so I wandered through the ship. No one stopped me. I got to the landing platform to see Eva. A man stepped in and smiled widely.
Eva, who was behind me, rushed forward without any care in the universe, and fell into his arms. Oh great. I'm stuck in a love holo-movie. I've never seen one, but I've heard of them.
Leaving them in their joyful reunion, I went on to Kalifa, who was still at the command station. Her face was tight in concentration, so I decided not to disturb her.
I went to Barriss's quarters, where she was doing something to her lightsaber. Yes, lightsaber. I never saw her use it really. Now I guess she didn't want to blow her cover.
She smiled when I walked in. But it was an uneasy smile. I guess something nagged her too.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
She sighed and shook her head. I knew that look. It was guilty. I puzzled it out. I wish Eroda and Ward were here to back me up.
I wish they were here....
Where are they? I know that feeling now.
"Where are Eroda and Ward? Barriss?" My voice did not seem remotely like my own. Oh no...
She compressed her lips and shook her head. Then she sighed again. "They were captured, Kaayla. I tried, but we can't do anything about it."
I felt like vomiting. She dropped the bomb so calmly. Something not so good rose up my throat, and I felt like tearing down everything in my life. I wanted to squish that wrinkly face of the emperor, and knock him with a clone's helmet. I wanted to scream every curse I ever heard in my life out loud right here. I wanted to go back and get them, and I didn't care if I died trying to free them.
All because of friends.
Barriss was watching me with those piercing eyes, and I forced myself to calm down. Breathe in, breathe out. I swallowed all my insults to the point to where my knees are shaking. They collapsed and I just broke down into sobs. It was my mother's death all over again.
Barriss crawled forward and patted me on the back. "You'll be all right," she whispered.
That didn't occur to me. I wanted to punch something for that big fat lie. "Not Eroda and Ward," I choked instead.
Barriss tried to say something, but I wasn't in the mood for Jedi talk. So Barriss pointed the way to the toilet.
I took off, bolting down in an act of helplessness. Tears kept coming down. It didn't matter. There will never be enough tears for this. When it failed me, then something worse may take its place. They were getting tortured to death, most likely, and I was standing here in a free life. It was just not fair.
I washed my face and dragged myself back to my quarters. I did not know how I did it, because my heart was so heavy I was even surprised my body can carry the weight. I can see their eyes looking at me with that pleading gaze when I sat on my bed.
The door suddenly slid open. Numi was there. I didn't want company, but I didn't want to chase her away either. So she sat next to me. "I'm sorry" was all she said. And it did make me feel better. Just a bit.
"My mother always said to chase your dreams. It doesn't matter if you get there or not, but it's the journey that counts," she continued.
I looked at her. She was wise beyond her years. Even though she was probably even less than half my age, she seemed a lifetime older than she was when I first met her. Palpatine forced her to grow so quickly. She too had lost someone. But she lived. She didn't give up hope.
Eroda and Ward still lived, I know that. I'd know if they died. There was still hope, too. Even if it was the faintest glimmer of hope, I would chase it. As Numi said, it didn't matter if I didn't get there. The journey will count. At least Eroda, Ward, and I will die happy, knowing that at least some people cared.
The "we couldn't help everybody" attitude I had a few hours ago was gone. So that's why I'm going to rescue them. I'm not sure if I'm a mad person, a loyal friend, or a brave rebel. I guess it is a combination of all.
I'm going to tell Barriss and Kalifa. I want to look into their eyes and wish them the best just in case I don't come back. So may the Force be with us.